Radio Silence...

6/22/2016

The picture above was taken a year ago May. The last time I got to see Hollis, and spend a few days giggling, talking, shooting portraits (that you all know as her 22 Portraits), and just ignoring the outside world. She and I had no idea what the outcome of the Portraits would be, but she insisted that we had to give it a try. To let those out there struggling know that others are struggling, too.

Fast forward to now, and I look at this picture, and I don't know what to think. This was the last time that I got to see Hollis. She went back to Florida, I came back home to Philly...both having lives in different areas of the country. However, what I didn't know, was that not only would this be the last time I would see her in over a year, but it would also be one of the last times that we really talked. When she returned to Florida, she began to shut me out. Little by little, of course, but the isolation began. It started out as days between phone calls, then it turned into days between text messages. Then from there it turned into months. I would try to reach out, but wouldn't get anything back. And, when she would write back, it was vague messages, and a lot of the time very cryptic messages. See, she was in a really REALLY bad relationship (we've all been there in some form or another), and while she wouldn't always tell me what was going on, she would give me cryptic codes and messages where I was able to piece things together.
The day of the Gallery Show (yep, the one I mentioned below this post) was the last time I would talk to her on the phone before she left Florida and moved in with her mother in Tennessee. It was a frantic phone call, nothing was making sense, and she only said that she could talk for a moment before she had to go. But, she told me she was leaving the relationship and going to live with her mother. I have no idea what happened, but a huge part of me was finally relieved that she was leaving.
Fast forward again....no communication for a while, and out of the blue she calls and tells me that, sadly, her mother had passed, and she was waiting for her brother to come in from CA (where he lives, as well as her father), and that she didn't know what she would be doing from there. I told her she should come to Philly, but she said no. It was crickets again for a couple weeks, then I got a text that said she was moving to CA. Again, I wasn't given any details or reasons, and I had no ideas what was going on, just that she was moving all the way across the country. I assumed it was to be near her family, but when I asked, I only got silence in return.

It's been a few months now that she's been out there, and I can count the number of phone calls, text messages, and facebook messages on one hand. She's admitted that she's isolating, and falling back into her old habits, but promises me that she's getting help. I don't know if it's true, and I want to believe more than anything that it is. But, she goes off radar with no communications, and that leaves me clear across the country and worried. I reach out and get silence.

Having PTS is difficult, but I have to say that being the one on this side isn't easy either. It's taken a toll on my mental and physical well-being as well. Trust issues develop, anger and frustrations run high, and fear that she'll regress even further all plague my life now, too. And, where as she has resources available to her to turn to for help dealing with things...outside of using my own insurance, I don't. I'm left dealing with many of these things in my own way, and in the time that I can find free. And, at what point does a person say, "I've done all I can? What more can I do?". Can you truly help a person who doesn't seem to want it?

I'm not sure how she'll like this post. I've told her a few times that I needed to update this blog, asking her each time if there was anything I should or shouldn't say. Each time I ask, I'm met with the same thing....silence. I think that is the worst part of it all. The silence.

3 Comments

Steph

6/22/2016 04:49:42 pm

♡♡♡♡

Doc Caldwell

6/22/2016 08:59:21 pm

Ok I'm a bit torn on what to say or more so how to say it. So here's some broken ideas from a guy who has worked both sides of the fence.

People have to come to where they need to be to get their lessons. You can’t help someone who is not willing. But you can love them through it. Send light and love and hold them in your heart space. I had to hit my own bottom and dead end to turn around and climb back up…when I was ready and willing.

We can stop judging people, assuming that they are not helping themselves. Perhaps the helplessness is the sign of their being out of their comfort zone. If we want to help, we can do some positive things like: Give some encouragement or discuss the situation with them and let their own intuition discover the best way to help themselves.

Examine your attachment to their choices. Their challenges and choices are their life lessons, not yours. Is your wanting to help them saying something about you that you need to learn?

You can help them by just being there and being supportive. You can still plant seeds. Most minds are so conditioned it is almost impossible to shed any light on their world. So just smile, nod, suggest, and if it does not help then move on with no regret because you tried.

Don’t enable them. Put the tools in their hands to help themselves, show them how to use them, step back, and be there when they trip. Love them when they fall. Repeat repeatedly.

You can’t make people be what you want them to be and you can’t decide what is best for them. You can only choose for yourself. There is a huge difference between can’t and won’t. Can’t might be open to help. Won’t can’t be your problem. The best thing is won’t might not always be won’t. Hope for that.

Love them until they learn to love themselves.

Stop trying to make them live as you think they should…How others live is not for us to control, but to learn from.

Let go. They have to help themselves and accept responsibility.

Their path is not yours to blaze, and who’s to say they’re not exactly where they need to be at this very moment?

Focus on your own well being (boundaries) so that you can provide stable support when they ask for help. Allow them their process no matter how difficult it is to watch. It is neither our right or responsibility to manipulate their journey.

People who won’t help themselves usually don’t trust others or themselves. Until they do, help them along by being a friend, but don’t engage in crazy behavior with them.

How do we know, when we’re in our own little egos, that that person isn’t already doing their work? Sometimes, “helping” someone, means leaving them alone…sometimes, you help just by being yourself and healing your stuff so that others can see the change and know that it’s possible. The best way I’ve found to help others is to try and be as authentic as I possibly can. The rest, well, is just none of my business.

Don’t turn your back on them. Just accepted them for who they are, flaws and all, then decide for yourself if it is worth it to you. If it is, patience is a virtue. If not, then keep a hand out but watch out for yourself as well. No need for two people who won’t help themselves.

Support is important. Talk to your friends don’t leave them when they go through hard times, you’ll need them when you’re going through a hard time.

Help them see how their actions impact others (children, spouse or parents).

Open the door. They’ll walk through it when they’re ready.

Be a role model. Show them what life is like when you cultivate and cherish the self.

Stay strong! Use your strength to combat their weakness. It takes time.

Ultimately my dear friend sometimes it's best for you to let people know you will always be there for them but that you need to take care of yourself and your family.

Caitlin

6/22/2016 09:32:47 pm

I actually love this person's comment.
You are clearly a very loving friend, and she clearly loves you very much.

A lot of the lines of thinking go along w/ the buddhist principals of non-attachment--- (hippie shit I know...but has turned my way of thinking around)-- the less attached you are to the outcomes (keeping track of calls, or being in the know, or having the relationship you once did), the better you can care for yourself, your family, and in turn, your friendship. It's hard when you feel you are the "fixer" and you can't fix a situation, so as Elsa would say, "let it goooooooo" (or as Steph would say Let Go and Let God) :) Focus on the good things, and when you can send a message/card/letter reminding her that you're hear when she's ready. She loves you and will be come back around to you, when she is ready. She may need to work through some things on her own.
Love ya!

Radio Silence...

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